Kati.

x__mascaradex @ 2007-04-23T23:05:00

2007-04-24T03:11:23Z

why does it feel like almost every guy i've talked to lately, has been complicating me in some way, shape, or form. Drew Gonzalves basically told me I was amazing. told me I was losing weight. told me I didn't need to lose any more weight. tried making me feel better about myself. Baka just keeps wanting to hang out with keeps saying i'm hot and he wants to have sex with me. Josh Phelps is telling me I'm a cutie, a sweatheart, adorable, etc. John Crawford also told me I did not need to lose any weight and said I was fine the way I am.

Look, guys. I know and appreciate what you're trying to do. but don't tell me to not lose weight when you guys are idolizing the real skinny girls. That's just ironic. I don't get it. How do some people find me so appealing. How does Robert chose me.

You know, I was thinking. I don't realize when people actually like me. For all I know, Robert could be absolutely head over heals with me. but I wouldn't believe him. I believe he likes me a lot. Love is a question. Does he think about me all the time? are the thoughts always good? it's different when I've been the one he's told how much every girl has meant to him. Now I'm not in the position so I don't actually know. He gets mad when I tell him I don't believe when he says I love him.

What's wrong with me. Why do I hate myself so much. Why can't I just be happy with who I am. Like, I am. maybe it's something different than what i've been thinking. Why do I think that no one could honestly care about me. I dunno.

Anyways. I'm real warm right now. I went tanning on sunday. went tanning today. Everyone noticed my tan today in school. dear god, I wonder what their gonna say tomorrow. does it really make that big of a difference after 6 minutes in a tanner?

x__mascaradex @ 2007-02-27T23:01:00

2007-02-28T04:21:12Z

all in all, my vacation was good. real fun. i got closer to two of the most important people in my life right now; my boyfriend and my best friend. i love my sai, she's my bad influence, my teacher, my corrupter, and my slut. and on top of that, she's the only person who can make a two and a half phone conversation seem like ten minutes. i love talking to her. i can just talk and talk and vice versa and we listen to each other. and we get each other, honestly, i don't think there's a thing that i could tell her that she wouldn't understand. she also got me out of that slump i was in on saturday. and then when i was back to being sad, our conversation helped a lot.

you know, the simplicity of mine and joe's relationship will always linger over me, and follow me to every relationship i ever have. and you know what else; allison will always be a worry of mine. sometimes it'll be worse than other, but generally that's calmed down. you know, this is how sara put it into perspective for me. she told me that robert wouldn't be dumb enough to date his best friend just to fuck her over. and also, he seems to really love me, truly. (and that's not the only person who's said that.) and she said that although she can't completely trust him because of his past, she trusts that he really cares so much about me and that maybe he got the message from allison that cheating hurts. having someone else hurts.

sunday night, when i was in my dmode again, i watched titanic until one in the morning. most of the time i was on the phone with sai. and then i was like "fuck this i'm not gonna go to sleep." so i stayed up all night. talked to sam online, and we were like stalking the cancellation page, praying for a snowday. at 5 when our snow days were announced, we danced and laughed and yeah. we were so tired. then later that day i got to see all my beavers, and i was so happy. they got mad that i was having unprotected sex though, and i don't blame them. so i called jake thein and asked him if i could have a couple of condoms, then i'd owe him. so we picked those up. watched open water two. i've missed them. but for some reason, i feel like i'm more distant from them than ever before. i don't like it, i don't want me to drift from them.

today ryan monroe called me while i was in school. i called him back, and it ended with him picking me up after school. we drove around. he bought me cold stone ice cream. we went to this place where mole and zak were, waiting for a bunch of other people. and they were gonna snow board. at this one point, mole and zak went for a walk, and me and ryan rode down the hill on the sled together. if we were naked, it would of been ass rape. and our sled started skidding and we fell off in water, then our asses were soaking wet. then we had a snowball fight. then eventually he brought me home. on the way home he asked me if i was still dating rob. you know, honestly today wasn't awkward for me. i didn't think anything of it, and he probably didn't either. i liked hanging out with him. maybe i'll do it again soon, now that i know it wont be like "OMGZ RAPE."

but yeah. after that, robert came over. hung out with him. he called me baby a lot tonight. he's been calling me baby for a while now, but it's still wierd. no guy has ever called me that before, and meant it seriously. but i like it. oh, and also, since i want him to sing and play guitar for me, he told me he was going to finish learning the song stellar by incubus on guitar, then he'll play/sing it for me. god, i love him.

i sincerly mean this: i wouldn't give robert up even if joe confessed his dying love for me and asked me back out.

x__mascaradex @ 2007-02-01T20:59:00

2007-02-02T02:14:23Z

so so so so much drama. so, amy called me the other night crying. basically the whole thing; she likes tyler. tyler likes her. they hung out once. they held hands and had a cute night. and ally just threw a shitfit. blahblahblah now they're fighting. it's just obnoxious.

tomorrow is mine and robert's two month anniversary. making this my second longest relationship. i find that sad, considering i've had about 8 boyfriends, technically. but none of them have really lasted longer than a week. geez, i like that boy a lot a lot. i do love him, but only like a brother. not like that yet. i dont know if i'm going to allow myself to. because, i don't want to set myself up to get hurt. and i still feel threatened by allison. and today it hit me that i was actually going out with him. i looked at him, and was like "wow... i have a boyfriend." bout time that actually kicked in.

john's mad at me because i "ditched him" today. but i didn't even know that our "plans" were serious plans. i never know with him.

ally wants me to have sex with robert. real bad. along with jess.

that fact that robert and allison aparently hung out on monday has been lingering over me. it makes me wonder what he did tonight. god damn you robert. get some friends without vaginas. especially when they're recent ex girlfriends. i hate playing this role of crazy girlfriend who obsesses over his ex girlfriends. but i never say anything to him. i don't really know what he thinks of her, because he'll hang out with her, but then be like "she's been annoying me lately" to me. so i dont know. and you know what, it's like they hang out not as much as me and him, but it seems like they hang out a lot. actually now that i think about it, they've hung out alone three times, so that's a lie. nevermind. but still. i try not to care. and i don't care that much. but the fact that i have to hear these things from other people is what bothers me most at the moment.

and i told myself that i'd stop talking about that. sooo much for that.

but i do have a funny story about allison. the other day in school, me and jess were taking a crap during last period. i had to poop so bad. and then as soon as i walk out of the stall, allison walks into the room. and goes into my stall. and i was standing in the bathroom waiting for jess, trying not to laugh. allison had to waft my ass fumes for about three minutes. she probably didn't even notice; she smells just as bad as my shit.

it was absolutely hilarious, you dont know. it might not sound that great, but honest to god i think a part of me died.

x__mascaradex @ 2006-09-13T16:47:00

2006-09-13T20:53:21Z

so i went to try and make a new journal. i made a new entry and stuff about friend's only. but the fucking advertisements were pissing me off, soooo.

"FRIEND'S ONLY JOURNAL.

rules:
01. chances are i will only add you if you were friends on my old livejournal. you can try; if i trust you with what i have to say then i might add you.
02. you can add me and i'll comment on your entries, but that doesn't mean that i'll add you back.
03. i don't care if you think that's lame; this is my journal and it's my choice who if anyone can read it.
04. i'm tired of writing custom friend entries. if i talk about you in here, back off. it's my journal, i'm not going to not write it just because you can read it.

but you can try to be my friend. you never know.
COMMENT TO BE ADDED."

so instead i just decided to delete people off my friends list.
the only people who I know i'm not deleting are:
1. missa
2. ashley

and that's it. so if you aren't either of them, you're deleted as a friend. but you can comment this entry and tell me why i shouldn't delete you.

x__mascaradex @ 2006-01-18T09:42:00

2006-01-18T14:43:19Z

yeah. I made a new one.
i'm still working on it being prettyful. so yeah.

COMMENT TO BE ADDED.